Dear Girl With Curves: I have an Eating Disorder

I just discovered that I have an eating disorder (bulimia nervosa), how did this happen? How do I beat this? Why do I have a love-hate relationship with my body?

 

A little back story: I grew quickly and by the time I was 10 years old, I already had a bra; other kids made fun of me and I guess that’s when the body image issues started.

 

Throughout my university days, I was referred to as chubby, chunky, big, fat or huge. I hated it but tried not to show how much it hurt me. I was sad and hated my body. When the guy I was dating left me, I blamed my body. My confidence was at point zero.

 

I made up my mind to lose weight, I went all out. Daily exercise of 2 hours, no days off. I maintained a VERY STRICT diet. It paid off, soon I was slim and had surpassed my weight loss goal. But I wasn’t happy, the weight loss brought depression. I didn’t know what to do with my new body, I hated how clothes looked on me and didn’t feel confident enough to go out. I was miserable.

 

I went back to eating and not caring so much about my weight, I didn’t get as fat as I used to be but I’m still miserable. There are days I go 28 hours without food and other days I can’t stop eating. After eating, I feel bad and take laxatives or induce vomit.

 

I am currently married to the most amazing man on earth. To him, I’m the most beautiful human on earth. We just had a baby (8 weeks ago) and my husband still adores me. Due to his love, support and admiration, I can’t let him know how I truly feel about my body. He is the first and possibly the only person who thinks my body is perfect. I can’t let him know my body irritates me.

 

What do I do? Why won’t this feeling go away? I know it’s a psychological disorder because I currently weigh 185 pounds but I still feel gross and unkempt. I don’t want to be with friends, I don’t want to go out.

 

Please help me! I don’t want to self destruct.

 

Sincerely,

Desperately seeking help.