So it’s been a while since I’ve been in a dance company (7 years) and it’s been pretty tough. I can proudly say that I am one of the curvier girls in the company. However, being curvy doesn’t necessarily come with a boost of confidence. In fact, I still have many insecurities and sometimes my experiences in being a company can add on more insecurities.
I just had my first performance with my dance company last month and boy that was super emotional! Not only was I nervous about performing but nervous with costumes! When the director brought the costumes in during one rehearsal, I instantly got really nervous. When it was time for us to try them on, I was feeling hopeful… I hoped for the best and that something would fit me. I tried on costume after costume after costume after costume. Nothing… i mean nothing fit. I felt humiliated. Of course, I didn’t show it. At least they were all calling me curvy instead of the F word, right? Because I sure was feeling the F word.
I left rehearsal feeling defeated. My husband picked me up from rehearsal that night and I just cried. Writing that seems silly but really at that moment, I felt so out of place. My critical voice was taking over, “You need to lose weight,” “You don’t belong in that company,” “You are the biggest girl in the world.” Yes, it was horrible. After I have seemed to calm down with the help of my husband and a friend whom i love so much, I was feeling better. I DO NOT need to lose weight, I DO belong in that company, and I’m NOT the biggest girl in the world. I realized that its okay to be the first one in that company with bigger arms, broader shoulders, bigger breasts and wider hips. If anything, I’m helping the company and other girls out there who love to dance.
The truth is, I love the company I’m in and I really like all the people I dance with… they’re all beautiful and different which is why I do belong there. The other truth is, I really like my body. Of course when I see myself in a video dancing at a rehearsal, I’ll probably cry again but when I’m in the right mentality, I can watch my self dance and think, “wow, she is beautiful.” I think all bodies big and small are beautiful. And self acceptance and knowing everything you have been through is part of what makes you special and beautiful. I know and understand that I need to figure out a way to get rid of that loud critical voice. I know that once it is gone, I will feel so free!
Thanks for listening diary.